"Assault" On Faith
High on my list of people who need a hard slap upside the head are these self-righteous whiners who feel that any attempt to resist their crusade to return us back to the 13th century is an "assault on faith". I suppose it would bother me less if they were more honest about it. Why not just say: "Look, our goal is to create a conservative, christian theocracy in America that reflects our interpretation of our holy book -- and if that means doing away with what's left of the Constitution then that's OK too." But then again, to be honest about one's motives frequently requires being honest with oneself, and I suspect that we'll never hear this admission precisely because these people are so heavily invested in bullshitting themselves that introspection pretty much hasn't got a chance.
For instance, the "assault on faith" line is just the latest in a series claims that all center around the mindset that christianity is somehow persecuted in the US. (For those of you who just spit whatever you were drinking on your monitor in disbelief that anyone could ever claim such a thing, go get a paper towel and clean up .... then read on.) I wish I had a dollar for every lobotomized Jesusoid who's told me this in some form. And what's worse is that they absolutely believe it with every fiber of their being. Any time their religious sensitivities aren't respected -- and it can be anything from not saying "god bless you" when someone sneezes to not letting them ban evolution from public schools -- it's always the "oh we're so persecuted" line. Since martyrdom appeals to these folks at some rather organic level, I say that it's time for us to stop farting around trying to be nice and really commence an assault on faith that's worthy of the name.
Why should we assault faith? For the same reason we assault other forms of human stupidity (spending more than you earn, having children you can't feed, tattooing your scrotum, etc.): because that which is not logical and rational is, by definition, illogical and irrational. While individuals should of course be free to peacefully pursue irrational pursuits, no one should be obliged to help them pretend that they're not doing something stupid -- and this is where the assault on faith could really shine. After all, if you think about religion logically, the claims are at best naively childish. The big magic man in the sky (and he's a man -- make no mistake about that all you tree-hugging pagans) will take care of you for all eternity in return for your total obedience and devotion. In other words, god is a stereotypical Jewish mother (with a penis, of course). Moreover, the holy book of the big magic man in the sky (which is a carefully edited anthology - not a book - but no one really likes to talk about that anymore) has everything we need to know in it -- including, as Ned Flanders observed, all the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. And yet, despite this, we're supposed to all pretend that faith is a good thing?? Are these people high?? They're going through life with a medieval view of life, death and the universe, and then they expect us to pretend that it's somehow good and noble to do so?
So here are my guidelines for the assault on faith. Much like my hero George Carlin, I believe that this is a protracted battle of words, so we need to carefully choose our language to demonstrate our unwillingness to help the American Taliban pretend that they're anything else but old-school, hard-core fanatics. First of all, never use the terms "faith", "religion" or "belief" when describing these mindsets. It makes them sound too respectable. Call it what it is: "superstition". If throwing salt over your shoulder or not walking under a ladder is superstition, so too is lighting candles, handling snakes, and beseeching a non-existent thing to intervene in your life. Secondly, stop calling alleged deities by their given names. It makes them sound like real people. I suggest "the magic man in the sky", "your imaginary friend", or "the voices in your head". It's really important to point out that if you see people and hear voices, you have NOT had a religious experience. You might, however, benefit by taking medication for schizophrenia. A few additional snappy answers will also aid in this campaign. The next time some tells you they know something in their heart (i.e. "I know in my heart that god is with me"), point out to them that their heart is a muscle that pumps blood and not a place where cognition takes place. Nothing shows just how out-of-touch with reality the faithful are than their retention of this piece of anatomical ignorance. The next time someone justifies some nonsensical action with the hackneyed cliche "but it's biblical", remind them that so too is stoning people to death for adultery and sending your wife away for having her period. (I think - technically speaking - polyester is also a sin. If it isn't, it should be.) Finally, the next time someone says that they're going to "put their trust in god", take the opportunity to point out all of the poor souls who've lived horrible lives and/or died horrible deaths over the years despite taking this step (innocent victims killed in wars, victims of disease, etc.). Given the magic man in the sky's track record over recorded human history, I'd say trusting in a deity is about as logical as trusting a used car salesman.
Ultimately, this is going to be an uphill battle. We might as well do it, though, since we're gonna continue to hear about how faith is being assaulted any time we refuse to cave in to the demands of the religionists. Moreover, many once sacred American notions have been changed by this kind of verbal judo, so it's worth a shot. If you don't believe me, just think about how "handout" has become "earned income tax credit", or how "brainwashing" has become "sensitivity training."
For instance, the "assault on faith" line is just the latest in a series claims that all center around the mindset that christianity is somehow persecuted in the US. (For those of you who just spit whatever you were drinking on your monitor in disbelief that anyone could ever claim such a thing, go get a paper towel and clean up .... then read on.) I wish I had a dollar for every lobotomized Jesusoid who's told me this in some form. And what's worse is that they absolutely believe it with every fiber of their being. Any time their religious sensitivities aren't respected -- and it can be anything from not saying "god bless you" when someone sneezes to not letting them ban evolution from public schools -- it's always the "oh we're so persecuted" line. Since martyrdom appeals to these folks at some rather organic level, I say that it's time for us to stop farting around trying to be nice and really commence an assault on faith that's worthy of the name.
Why should we assault faith? For the same reason we assault other forms of human stupidity (spending more than you earn, having children you can't feed, tattooing your scrotum, etc.): because that which is not logical and rational is, by definition, illogical and irrational. While individuals should of course be free to peacefully pursue irrational pursuits, no one should be obliged to help them pretend that they're not doing something stupid -- and this is where the assault on faith could really shine. After all, if you think about religion logically, the claims are at best naively childish. The big magic man in the sky (and he's a man -- make no mistake about that all you tree-hugging pagans) will take care of you for all eternity in return for your total obedience and devotion. In other words, god is a stereotypical Jewish mother (with a penis, of course). Moreover, the holy book of the big magic man in the sky (which is a carefully edited anthology - not a book - but no one really likes to talk about that anymore) has everything we need to know in it -- including, as Ned Flanders observed, all the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. And yet, despite this, we're supposed to all pretend that faith is a good thing?? Are these people high?? They're going through life with a medieval view of life, death and the universe, and then they expect us to pretend that it's somehow good and noble to do so?
So here are my guidelines for the assault on faith. Much like my hero George Carlin, I believe that this is a protracted battle of words, so we need to carefully choose our language to demonstrate our unwillingness to help the American Taliban pretend that they're anything else but old-school, hard-core fanatics. First of all, never use the terms "faith", "religion" or "belief" when describing these mindsets. It makes them sound too respectable. Call it what it is: "superstition". If throwing salt over your shoulder or not walking under a ladder is superstition, so too is lighting candles, handling snakes, and beseeching a non-existent thing to intervene in your life. Secondly, stop calling alleged deities by their given names. It makes them sound like real people. I suggest "the magic man in the sky", "your imaginary friend", or "the voices in your head". It's really important to point out that if you see people and hear voices, you have NOT had a religious experience. You might, however, benefit by taking medication for schizophrenia. A few additional snappy answers will also aid in this campaign. The next time some tells you they know something in their heart (i.e. "I know in my heart that god is with me"), point out to them that their heart is a muscle that pumps blood and not a place where cognition takes place. Nothing shows just how out-of-touch with reality the faithful are than their retention of this piece of anatomical ignorance. The next time someone justifies some nonsensical action with the hackneyed cliche "but it's biblical", remind them that so too is stoning people to death for adultery and sending your wife away for having her period. (I think - technically speaking - polyester is also a sin. If it isn't, it should be.) Finally, the next time someone says that they're going to "put their trust in god", take the opportunity to point out all of the poor souls who've lived horrible lives and/or died horrible deaths over the years despite taking this step (innocent victims killed in wars, victims of disease, etc.). Given the magic man in the sky's track record over recorded human history, I'd say trusting in a deity is about as logical as trusting a used car salesman.
Ultimately, this is going to be an uphill battle. We might as well do it, though, since we're gonna continue to hear about how faith is being assaulted any time we refuse to cave in to the demands of the religionists. Moreover, many once sacred American notions have been changed by this kind of verbal judo, so it's worth a shot. If you don't believe me, just think about how "handout" has become "earned income tax credit", or how "brainwashing" has become "sensitivity training."
posted by DrJDG @ 02:03
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